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Lieing	Conversing	Neighborliness	Respect	Self-control

"Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows, is a man who deceives his neighbor and says 'I was only joking!'"  Proverbs 26:18

A madman does not know where the arrows he's shooting will go or even what damage they can cause.  It is interesting how the Bible compares lying and deception among neighbors with the random acts of violence at the hands of a crazed archer.  How many times do we hear "Oh, I was only joking", after someone has been wronged?  Ever since the garden of Eden, sinners have tried to cover up their deceptions in a variety of ways: they joke about them, they blame them on someone or something else, or perhaps they even deny that they have sinned. Since this happens so often,  many people, especially children, begin to view lying and deception as an acceptable, simple and effective way to get whatever they want.  From a Biblical standpoint, this could not be further from the Truth and therefore, needs to be dealt with in order to improve relations between each other and God.

As counselors, when we teach lessons about lying, we highlight three things that the Bible teaches. First, that Truth is what sets us free from sin.  Jesus is Truth and his redemptive work frees believers from all sin.  Furthermore, "telling the truth" frees us from the specific sin of lying.  Second, God ordains that trust must exist between men and God.  Lying undermines all trust and, as a result, is damaging to God's plan.  Third, the story of Rahab not withstanding, even 'little white lies' are sin.  Rahab was honored for her faith.  Her deception is not a precedent that we can follow because, although her motive was righteously God-centered, her methods were still sinful.  Therefore, any type of lying is wrong in God's sight.

Understanding that we do live in a sinful world and that even our best is tainted with sin we also teach students what we call the "Triple A Method".  This method consists of 3 steps to follow when we know we have lied/deceived.  The steps are: 1) Admitting it  2) Apologizing  3) Avoid doing it again.  Through practicing, students are able to see how easy these steps are to remember and follow.  This method is also emphasized as a way to confess before the Lord in prayer.

It hurts deeply when  we work with a group of children and later hear them say "Lying is not such a big deal, I do it all the time".  Obviously they are missing the message, but why?  Are we as adults modeling such ideas to children when we overlook their lying without a consequence, when we exaggerate a story just a little, when we make sarcastic remarks followed by "I was just joking", or show enthusiasm when we don't "get caught"?  Are we unconsciously acting like madmen in front of our children?  If so, we should also model the "Triple A Method".  For it's our actions they follow, not our words. 
 
 

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:6

Have you ever tried to define the word art?  Go ahead, try it...........  If you're like me the mind races for a central idea because our society has such a broad perspective on what constitutes art.  I did, however, find a broad definition in the Lincoln Writing Dictionary for Children.  Art is defined as "any activity that requires special skill or talent to do well".  I like this definition because it includes all areas of art from painting and sculpturing to writing and conversing.  Yes, you read it correctly, writing and conversing can be considered an art under this definition because it does require a special skill to do it well.

This month I would like to share with you some ideas about the art of conversation. Since this is becoming a lost art,  it is a skill we are trying to recover with students through classroom guidance activities and individual sessions.  In the restoration process the first thing to do is to look at what the Bible says about how to converse.  As the above verse states, our "conversations should always be full of grace and seasoned with salt".  It  emphasizes that a Christian's conversation should be savory and seasoned, not always about grace, but with grace.  Grace is the salt which seasons our dialogue and makes it "pleasing to the palette".  As salt preserves a food item, grace keeps a conversation from spoiling.  Graceful conversation allows the opportunity to show God to others and build/nuture a potential relationship.

The key to sharing this grace and making the best of the opportunity is to keep the conversation going.  Many students understand that the art of communication is like traffic: there are green lights that encourage you to continue and red lights that say "Stop!"  The communication red lights and green lights are signals that we give to others showing them whether we are really listening. If we are listening the conversation will continue; if not, it will stop. 

Such examples of red light signals fall under three categories: giving advice, passing judgment, avoiding the issue.  Giving advice would include preaching (you should), having all the answers (I know), giving orders (do this).  Passing judgment includes criticizing (gross), blaming (it's your fault), being sarcastic (NOT!).  Avoiding the issue includes making jokes (could have been worse), interrupting, not listening.  Like red light signals, green light signals also fall under three categories: acknowledging, reflecting, and validating.  Acknowledging includes looking at the speaker and encouraging them to keep talking (go on).  Reflecting includes clarifying content (did you say?), summarizing (so what you are saying is...), recognizing feelings (what were you feeling?).  Validating includes showing support and appreciation.

Only through practice and observation does one become proficient in any skill, including how to communicate.  May God grant us the wisdom to converse gracefully, so we can pass on the art of conversation to the children and "know how to answer everyone".
 
 

"Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"  "The most important one", answered Jesus, "is this:  Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this:  Love your neighbors as yourself.  There is no commandment greater than these."  Mark 12:28b-31

Being a good neighbor takes on special significance with the beginning of spring.  After a winter of being indoors, our children are starting to play outdoors together and we may exchange greetings with next door neighbors two or three times a day.  Of course, to limit our definition of neighbor to those people who reside next door to us is much too restraining.  When the expert of the law asked Jesus who, indeed, was his neighbor:  Jesus answered by telling the parable of the Good Samaritan.  Jesus' parable shows us that all people around us, at any given time, are our neighbors.  The good neighbor is the one who, by his actions, reflects Christlike mercy, concern, and love for those who surround him.

How, then, can we act as good neighbors?  First, let's take  a fresh look at the Golden Rule:  So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets (Matt. 7:12).  This means if we don't appreciate being called inappropriate names, then we shouldn't be doing the heckling.  If we don't like to be talked about behind our backs, then we shouldn't be the one gossiping.  If we don't like to have revenge taken on us, then we shouldn't be the one taking vengeance.

Of course, the opposite is also true.  If we like to receive positive comments, then we should give uplifting comments, first.  If we would like to be invited out more, then we should ask others out, first.  If we would like to receive "fun mail" (not bills), then we should send out cards and notes of encouragement, first.

This is common sense "stuff" that one would assume all Christians know.  As counselors, however, what we observe at school proves that children tend to avoid treating their neighbors in this way.  The writers of the Heidelberg Catechism summarizes this by acknowledging that we all:  Have a natural tendency to hate God and my neighbor (Q&A 5).  It is only through the Spirit of God, living in a born again person, that we can ever be a good neighbor.   But how do we get the children to understand this?

 Since neighborliness is an attribute given to us by the Spirit, it is wholly appropriate and necessary for us to pray for this in ourselves and in our children.  In addition to devout prayer, it is important that we all, as adults, model neighborliness to the children through the way we interact with other people.  Finally, we must come to expect children to demonstrate this Godly attribute.  High expectations in this area, when accompanied by guidance and effective Christian discipline, will help lead to the fulfillment of the greatest commandment of all. 
 
 

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  Eph.4:29

This is a verse I think about when I consider the area of respect and/or the lack of respect many of us and the children have for one another.  Many times each day I have students approach me with comments such as 'so and so said this to me and I don't know what to do about it'.  Also, when just cruising the hallways I will have to stop (especially at the water fountains) and encourage the students to use appropriate comments with each other.  Then I wonder, are we getting so accustom to hearing inappropriate comments and language that it just doesn't even phase us?   If so, the children we are raising for His service are following our example.

Respecting one another by using our tongues wisely is an area that must be taught, but even more so it is something that must be modeled at home as well as at school.  The following is a list of ideas that might be helpful in accomplishing this biblical concept. 
All ideas have been adapted from PRIM (Pre Referral Intervention Manual) and experience.
 1. Teach appropriate ways to communicate displeasure, anger, ect.
 2. Model communicating in an appropriate manner in all environments.
 3. Require the children to identify alternative appropriate behaviors following
     an instance of derogatory comments or inappropriate gestures.
 4. Reduce the emphasis on competition (a stimuli which contributes to derogatory
     comments).  Emphasize individual success with the abilities God has granted,
      instead of winning.
 5. Interact frequently with children to monitor language usage especially when they
     are with their friends.
 6. Provide children with a predetermined signal when they begin to use 
      inappropriate language.
 7. With the children critique conversations or t.v. shows for insults and put downs.
      Make them aware of where they may hear it and what to do
       about it (e.g. leave the scene, turn the station).

In a society where insults and put downs are the norm, we must always set our sights on the Bible.  Our children need to know that the desire to laugh and seek humor should not be at the expense of others.  God's commandments take precedent over human desires.
 
 

"Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled.  In everything set them a good example by doing what is good." Titus 2:6-7a

As a counselor, one of the state requirements of the job is to ensure that each of my schools are conducting a drug prevention program.  Why?  Because children in IA (N.W. IA) are being introduced, experimenting with, and using chemical substances.  Recently, on the news, there was a report on how the Sioux Falls school systems estimated that over half of their students use drugs and or alcohol.  The problem is definitely escalating in our area.  The question arises 'what do we do now'?

Many experts are finally admitting that school based prevention programs cannot take the place of parenting by example and instruction.  In fact, there is a movement in Michigan to take the control of the public school away from the state and give it back to the parents.  Of course, this is what our Christian schools have enjoyed all along.

However, it often happens that even during our Christian schools' drug prevention lessons a child will mention that they have a relative that smokes or drinks.  Such comments are directed to the fact that many times we will see others (including family members) who will do things that do not glorify God, but we have to focus on whether our actions please God and if we are being a good example to those who watch us.  This helps for awhile, but it boils down to this: prevention programs at school are not effective unless accompanied by parental/family example.  The two must go hand in hand.  Children just do not understand the phrase "do as I say, not as I do".  Even Paul gives clear indications, in the above verse, that nurturing our youth should be done through example rather than words alone. 

So, what do we do now?  We need to all get involved.  This includes parents, grandparents, school and community.  We truly believe that the best defense against teenage drug use in the new millenium are people who act the way they want their children to.  Please pray with us for the strength that we all need to do what God has demanded in Paul's letter.